Fragments of desire.
(2007-2008)
and you'll always be my whore
cause you're the one that I adore
and I'll pull your crooked teeth
you'll be perfect just like me
in you I feel so dirty in you I crash cars
in you I feel so pretty in you I taste god
we must never be apart
(Smashing Pumpkins)
I can still remember the two beautiful girls from the juvenile detention home. We couldn't understand why these arrogant bigmouth girls considered it important to remain virgins while the others made big bucks with whoredom. The explanation was perfectly simple, but it only became apparent for us when after reaching the age of majority they left the detention home and had to fall on their feet alone. So one of them immediately started prostitution, while the other went back home to her whore mother and months of quarrelling started between them. After a while the girl had enough and left her mother who later hung herself so the next time the girl could see her she was dead. The girl couldn't sleep in the dark for many years after.
So we could understand why they wished to remain virgins only after these tragedies. And the reason was simple: they didn't wish to be the “same” as the other girls with same fate, present, past and future. They wanted to be different. And since in the home everybody was a whore they could only be different if they weren't. Their virginity wasn't for a moral principle. But when they were out and could have started their different lives they gave in and became whores: what else could have they done?
Lilla Szász (born 1977) lives in Budapest, Hungary.